Scars that don't heal

Friday, October 07, 2016

So, she forgave, but she's not certain if she could ever forget. She could wipe out the memories, but the dangerous thing about the healing process was acknowledging the scars that came with her.

Be careful of what you say to others. There were plenty of times when she was called fat and ugly (fugly to be exact), there were times when she was asked to watch her weight. There was one time she was referred to as 'lembu pakai skirt'. There used to be plenty of times she was called 'a burden'. There were also times when she asked what it'd be like if she were to end up with someone else and the response was he'd be happy because someone else would accept her despite being fat and ugly.

It was toxic, and she didn't realize it, but attempting to make him stop saying those mean things by trying to change his mind about her was beneath her. She sold her dignity to someone who would freely bully with words.

"That's what you are. A burden." 
"I hope your mum has 9 lives like a cat then she won't die." 

Those words still crept into her mind. It left her insecure, and it took down her self-esteem.

"Kalau dah tak suka anak kita, janganlah cakap macam tu. Tu kan anak kita." - her mum. 

From then on, she realized she was never ever giving way to let anyone abuse her emotionally with words that hurt. If anyone of you has partners calling you 'Bodoh', 'Bitch', 'Milf', make him stop. Have some self-respect and nobody should ever call you that. It's not even funny. Look at how he behaves when he's angry. A respectable man would never be that horrible to lash out hurtful words when he's furious.

Cut him some slack if you want because of how he sounded like when he supposed he would never do it again. He will. All the things he said he would never say or do would reappear when he's angry again. Because, you forgave him the first time.

"I'll change. I promise." 
Do you have the time to wait for THE change?

People feel powerful when they say words that hurt you. They spout hurtful things because they themselves are suffering. They take it out on others because it's easier than facing the pain they feel.

The ball is in your court, now. YOU make the change. You are allowed to walk away. You are allowed to stick up for yourself.

Other times, I look at my scars and see something else: a girl who was trying to cope with something horrible that she should never have had to live through at all. My scars show pain and suffering, but they also show my will to survive. They're part of my history that'll always be there. - Cheryl Rainfield


Amalia on falia.and.amz

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