No Need For A Closure

Monday, January 25, 2016

I drafted multiple versions of this post. How do I talk about my break up without revealing too much? I have seen break up posts that has gone viral with guys (read: jerks) demanding for the guy's version of an article because guys with ego would usually have something to say. I have seen screenshots of couples shaming each other on social media. Now... how? Heck! Everyone will always have something to say – whether I voice myself out or not. I was never a private person. Falia and Amz is a portal for me to share my journey with anyone who wants to read. You have a choice not to. But if you do, I hope you can read this with an open mind. What happened definitely served as a lesson for me and I am sure many can relate to this experience.

I have asked myself a thousand times why do I have to endure 2 relationships that required so much effort on my part. Both boys cheated. Both boys made me lose my single confidence and trust. Both boys wasted my time. On top of that, why do I have to face all these and at the same time suffer from losing a mother? All within close time frame? Why?

The first time I got cheated, I did not learn my lesson. I jumped straight to someone who made me feel good about myself THEN. Little did I know that was to be temporary and a prank.

I thought I found the one. As time goes by, I grew up. I realised I need a man in my life. Not a boy nor a pet that I have to care for 24-7. YES - I had expectations and I hoped for a relationship based on trust and wisdom. I realised being with my 2nd one was a move so darn wrong.

Firstly, how could I step into a new relationship with a MUCH younger boy and hoped that he would be a man? Then, how could I even think of fixing myself when I did not even respect myself enough at that time? I rebounded so fast that when he proposed, I thought he was being a man. My fault. I fell for the wrong people over and over again.

Now, how many of you are guilty of posting things that spoke about marrying young to avoid sins? Dear young hearts, you are not ready. I thought I was. It's simple right? I could learn how to cook, I could learn how to sew, I could get a BTO and I could get used to waking up beside my husband and all will be well. If my father decided on a fair dowry, all the better. Small majlis, fair dowry, better honeymoon venue, a BTO, and we all can live happily ever after. That's what everyone is talking about now. Well, it's not all that. With this failed relationship, I realised there were so many loopholes I fell into. If there's a problem that needed attention, will love help me to conquer it all? I wished!

Do I have to go back to my parents for advice all the time? What if there are no elders to babysit us? There are so many responsibilities to take note of. Am I really ready to be a wife? Well, I could read 'A Gift For a Muslim Bride' and probably learn a thing or two. What I failed to understand was that I did not better myself. Then how can I build a family? How dare I question my partner if he can ever be a good khalifah if I myself cannot guide him to be one? Don't rush into marriage. Of course, you can get inspired with stories you see online but stories are STORIES. Take a step back - marriage is not something frivolous.

How do you know if the relationship is toxic? In my case, I kept giving excuses for my partner. I forgive time and again till I got so numb. I thought this is part and parcel of a relationship. I WAS WRONG! There you go. That's the problem. This is not normal. I cannot try to fix someone else if that person does not want to change for himself.

I am not saying I don't have flaws but when things got bigger and bigger, problems got swept under the carpet and all we do is fight. Then I got pushed away, and he got MIA and yadeii, yadeii, yadaa. I always had to give in by admitting that I was ‘being annoying’ when all I wanted was the truth – Did you cheat? Where were you? Why were you missing?

For every flaw we both had, I stayed. I stayed because I thought marriage could fix it. I stayed because I was afraid of being alone. Do not make this mistake. Don't try to fix another person. MARRIAGE WILL NOT MAKE ANY LEOPARD CHANGE ITS SPOTS!

Friends and family noticed the toxic relationship we had. A friend said "We are all waiting for a train wreck to happen." Of course, I told myself - do not listen to other people. I WAS SOOO WRONG!

I lost myself. I lost respect for myself. When was the last time I did something I want to do without considering my partner's feelings? I went to a little tea session the other day. The last time I did that was when I was on a first date. I tried so hard to be perfect in his eyes, I moulded myself into someone I couldn't recognise. Again, my fault.

I AM LETTING GO. I couldn't find it in me to forgive again. Not yet. I have to but not yet. I am not going to be a hypocrite by saying 'thank you for the good times'. Not yet. What's there to say thank you? For a text which said 'I found someone else'? Which one? The one on the phone or the one who texted me, or the one I met? I am just going to say thank you to the girls who said sorry and admitted to being ONE of the many ‘other girl’. Thank you for opening my eyes. It's one factor that helped me to let go.

I also stopped demanding for answers or closure. There's no need to. I stopped chasing for one after I had to wait for weeks with unanswered questions while he continued being 'young and mighty'. I had to face heartbreak. I was ignored. I was punished for asking questions. He had an excuse. Everyone made that excuse FOR him. It's his age. He's young. I refused to accept that excuse. It was easier to run than face me (alone) with a concrete excuse. For that, I couldn't forgive. Not yet. I want to move on and heal. I'll take my time.

Lastly, thank you to people who have expressed in many different ways that they admire my strength. It was not easy to gather all the strength in me to go out and face the world. I could sit at home and cry all day but I didn't want to. This is not my fault. I shouldn't be wasting my life crying and I certainly don't need to pretend and ‘step gerek’. I acknowledge this pain. When the first time the engagement was almost over, I crawled beside my late mum. I did not say anything except cry. My late mum was not at her best that day. She couldn't walk or sit up for too long so she tilted her head towards me and gave me words I could never find online.

"Jangan nangis. Tengok mama. Mama sakit. Kalau boleh, mama nak sihat, nak cepat sembuh tapi mama kena kuat. Kena redha. Mama tak ada pilihan. Tapi Amalia ada pilihan. Mama nak Amalia happy. Mama nak lelaki yang baik jaga Amalia. Kalau mama dan papa tak ada, Amalia boleh ke jaga diri sendiri? Kuatkan semangat. Amalia bangkit semula. Tunjukkan yang Amalia boleh bangun semula. Amalia ada pilihan. Mama tak ada.

Just like that. Even when she's not around now, those words made me realise how much I depended on other people for happiness. I had a choice. I took so long to see it. BUT its ok. I finally see it.

I lost a fiance, but I lost my mum just four months ago. I lost someone I knew for a few years, but my dad lost his companion of 30 years. I'll be fine. Better now than later.


Amalia on falia.and.amz

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